Jan 16, 2011

The Excavation

I’m tired.

I am so tired of trying to explain to my friends and family why I do not attend the LDS church anymore.

These people who love me are always digging for ‘the problem’. If they can find it, I imagine they believe, they can fix it and, of course, fix me.

They are going to be digging for a long, long time.

First they are going to dig up the obvious stuff . . .

polygamy, polyandry and gold digging, oh my . . . (make it better, family, fix it!)

and then the complicated stuff . . .

the subtle subversion of girls as individuals in Young Women’s, the limitations on personal freedoms within the church, the prayers with no answers, my years of graduate school in anthropology . . .

I try to excavate my feelings, to mark the turning points, to find the reasons. But the reasons why I don’t believe and the reasons I once did are all sifted together, shaken out . . . I am the product of over 30 years of sedimentation. No matter how far I, or anyone else, digs down, I do not believe that the answer to ‘why I left’ will ever be found.

And I am tired of the effort of trying to figure it out.

I left. I’m content. Let us leave it at that.

By Tierza Uncategorized 17 Comments

Jay Bryner

I’m still trying to understand the subtle subversion of girls as individuals in Young Women’s. I’ve heard that complaint ever since I was a teenager. But I just can’t wrap my mind around it. I’m sure its partly because I’m male, and partly because I have had a good experience (relatively weirdo-free) within the church. I’d like to understand it better, because at the moment I am not very sympathetic to that point of view, and there are people out there who I respect who feel that the young womens program is damaging. Presently, I don’t buy it.

I’ve seen testimony excavation first hand. I used to try and pin it down for other people who had decided to leave the church. Sad to say I wasn’t very charitable back then.
ff42

@Jay

Of course it is much nicer than the following, but essentially the YM subversion is “your worth is your womb” followed closely by “sex is dirty, save it for marriage”.

Jay Bryner

That helps. Thanks. Does anyone have anything to add to that description? It seems like people just dance around it.

Tierza

@Jay I have written a blog post just for you. Hopefully it explains one of my problems with Young Women’s

http://masterdmjgsfreethinking.blogspot.com Michael

Even though I have not left the church completely as you have, Tierza, I think I know what you mean. There is really no way for someone on the outside to successfully explain why things are the way they are to someone fully on the inside. I cannot explain to my closest family members why I cannot just shrug my shoulders and put things on the shelf like they seem to be able to do. I don’t know why things bother me that don’t bother them. And I certainly can’t explain it to them. I have tried enough to know by now. But it is still frustrating.
JohnBoy

Great post. Those of us surrounded by the culture due to a lifetime with family and friends in the church are forced to constantly evaluate our reasons and motivations for letting the church go, whether we continue to attend or not. For me, the evidence accumulated over time in the back of my mind. I ignored it because I thought all other religions made less sense than Mormonism. At least we had leaders who could testify that they are currently in communication with God, right? It wasn’t until I decided to start with a blank slate, so assumptions that there was even a God that it all fell into place for me. All of the sudden it was like the flashbacks at the end of the sixth sense, when it seems obvious that Bruce Willis was dead all along. Once the spoiler has been revealed, it is impossible to view the movie through naive eyes again. I realized that current leaders don’t have more substantial to say in their testimonies than what the church teaches 5 year olds to say. The only difference is that the octogenarians mislead the members by letting them think that they have face to face visits with angels and God. I imagine that by the time you get to the stage where you are called to the position of apostle and everyone is looking to you for comfort, you are stuck with the deception unless you want to go from hero to villain in your audience’s eyes. Of course, based on the recent general conference, Holland and Packer may be truly delusional. Everybody else at that level would probably prefer to avoid unpleasant contradictions. The bottom line is that family members and friends will never understand why you “leave” unless they really want to know – which must don’t.
http://annmjohnson.wordpress.com Course Correction

No active Mormon can grasp the fact that members leave the Church for simple reasons like: a) boredom (how many times can you listen to the same talks and lesson?, b)you are not having spiritual experiences at church, and c) you find spiritual experiences elsewhere.

http://texcommando.wordpress.com Tex

Yes! Those reasons are so simple and they sum it up so well. I do think that a lot of members I know feel that way, but they do what I did for a long time; dismiss their feelings as pride or laziness and try harder. That’s why they don’t understand, because they are ‘sacrificing’ where we have chosen not to.

No wonder why Mormons have so many people on autopilot who just put on a happy face and go through the motions.

Teyana

I teared up when I realized Insana Dee’s podcast was 3 minutes to the end. It was like taking a sip of my Starbucks Mocha only to find it was my last sip and I desperately wanted more. “Where the hell did it all go?”, I wondered. She is definitely someone I could listen to for another 2 or 3 hours. I’m on my way to her blogs. Thank you Insana Dee. I especially want to thank you for guiding me to your blog that I’m not supposed to see. Cheers to you!

http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100000934606241 Insana Dee

Thanks for that very charming compliment Teyana. I hope my blogs will give you a good jittery jolt of Insana Dee, undiluted and octane levels. I have been traveling for several days and am now just getting caught up with work but will check the comments when I can. Feel free to e-mail me anytime at insanad@gmail.com or find me on facebook under Insana Dee.

http://www.facebook.com/gretchenwiltbank Gretchen Lambert-Wiltbank

I’ve already requested that her brain be donated to science…when the time comes.

She is amazing!
Michael Carpenter

Insana Dee, Thanks for your comments, especially about leaving the church and your husband being hard but worth it. In the past year since I quit attending I’ve found out how shallow my church friendships were. I’m still trying to make new friends and navigate the post-Mormon world and so it helped to hear you say it would be worth it in the end. Thanks.

http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100000934606241 Insana Dee

Hi Michael, yes, it’s really difficult and the loss is very real when you leave and find out how many people had only conditional love for you. It took me several years to learn how to value people just for their own gifts and friendship rather than see them as opportunities or tools that I could use.

There’s much to learn but along the way you’ll find some incredible human beings if you open your mind and heart to their authenticity. Some of the least obvious “Successful” people often turn out to be the most interesting and genuine in friendship. Those of us who have been pushed out to the fringes are quick to welcome others who see our worth.

Good luck. Don’t rush and when people invite you to a gathering, even if it’s uncomfortable at first just keep trying. There’s a new friend around the corner.

Kimberly Oaks

Thank you so much for sharing. It is so nice for me to hear that there are other people also had hard time with the temple, to know that I am not the only one.

http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100000934606241 Insana Dee

For years I thought I was the only one who hated that experience. I felt guilty and like somehow I just wasn’t spiritual enough but it turns out that we are not an anomaly at all. Thousands of LDS people find excuses to avoid the temple because it makes them uncomfortable too. Living authentically means that we can say outloud that it was not a good experience for us and feel safe admitting such a thing. We may not be allowed to express such things amongst the LDS but there are places where our voices count.

http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100000934606241 Insana Dee

I’m glad you like me in spite of my piss and vinegar Rock.
http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100000934606241 Insana Dee

Yes Jean, I’m actually so much happier now than I ever was as a Mormon.

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