Jun 25, 2011

Top 4 Worst Hymns

"Hey Jesus! There is sunshine in my soul today!" (www.defordmusic.com)

Is there anything more painful than kicking off the 3 hour church block than with an opening hymn played at funeral dirge tempo? Or one sung really loudly by That Person in your ward who doesn’t have a good voice, but, you know, feels destined for their very own MoTab polyester robe? (Naturally when this occurs, you’ll be situated in the row directly in front of said individual.) Can we also talk about how 95% of the songs chosen by the chorister are usually played in a key well above most groggy saints’ registers? I no longer attend church, so I don’t often have occasion to hear a Mormon hymn. Every so often, however, I’ll start humming along to one of these four worst church hymns.

1. “There Is Sunshine in My Soul Today”

When I taught seminary, I banned all hymns containing the word “sunshine”. That’s because the two non-primary songs about sunshine in the hymn book are terrible, sophomoric drivel. The hymn is, at heart, a nice message about being really happy Jesus died for your sins. But I think even Jesus would grate his teeth at the melody. “There is sunshine, ble-hes-sedsunnnshine, when the peaceful, haPEE moments rolllllllllllll…”

2. “Come Away to Sunday School”

I feel like this one is just masochism. It’s a song about how great church is, sung by church goers, while you’re already at church. If you were being cynical, this hymn is a fun little inoculation for your squirming children who really don’t want to be at church. If you’re being paranoid, this song is a lighthearted attempt at brainwashing. When played during Sacrament, this song acts like its own promo for “coming up at 11.” However annoying the local news promos are, they’re at least mercifully short. Can you imagine if this hymn was a news promo?

“For Channel 8, I’m Robert B. Baird. And coming up, when the rosy light of morning softly beams above the hill, and the birds, sweet heavenly songsters, every dell with music fill, fresh from slumber we awaken, come away to the Sunday School!”

What’s hilarious about this song is it’s really an apt description of what Sunday School entails: 30% pastoral language, 20% admonition to avoid all doubt, and 50% waste of time.

3. “Praise to the Man”

Attention all evangelicals hoping to prove Mormons worship Joseph Smith, this is your song. Also, if anyone still wants to protest against the whole Mormons becoming gods thing, hum a few bars from the refrain and you’ll find that Joseph Smith is “mingling with gods.” I suppose it’s nice to have a song that celebrates the founder of your religion. My quibble is this song is played all the time! I also knew a family who celebrated Joseph Smith’s birthday with a cake. I know, I know, anecdotes don’t equal evidence. But still. For a church of Jesus Christ, this song was emphasized a bit too heavily for my taste.

4. “Families Can Be Together Forever”

Oh, did you forget the church’s mawkishly repetitive selling point? I’m here to tell you that families can be together forever. And if giant vinyl wall decals aren’t enough to remind you, go ahead and do a YouTube search for thousands of versions of children singing this hymn.

So what else did I miss? I did notice as I was flipping through the hymnal that a lot of these songs would match nicely with propaganda posters. Maybe my next list will be 10 Hymns Stalin Might Have Used. “Put Your Shoulder to the Wheel” and “We Are All Enlisted” will be top contenders. Until next time, remember “We are all enlisted till the conflict is o’er, happy are we! Happy are we!”

By Eric Uncategorized 16 Comments

http://study-and-faith.blogspot.com JB

I agree with you, AW. This was an especially fascinating episode of Mormon Expression for me, and I’d love to hear more from Joe on the podcast in the future. (I’m really glad that he was brought on for a portion of the April 2011 General Conference review podcast recently.) I’m an Evangelical myself, but before I became interested in learning more about Mormonism, I spent a few years studying with Jehovah’s Witnesses, and to say that it was a fascinating string of experiences would be quite the understatement.
NoTrueScott

“A Poor Wayfaring Man of Grief” is dreadful. Insipid musically, each verse takes longer to get through than the line at the DMV, and most ward music leaders feel compelled to sing all eighty-seven verses. Then the organist or chorister can’t seem to make better than 40 beats per minute. Truly gives you a notion of eternity really looks like.
I’m also usually embarrassed by on the congregation’s behalf when they sing “O My Father”. Embarrassment by proxy, because they don’t know to be embarrassed by it themselves. I remember on my mission having investigators at sacrament meeting, and having that hymn played and wanting to just sink through the floor. ”Ellllderrrr, you got some ‘splaining to do!”

Not really a hymn, but “Follow the prophet” rankles. Hearing those kids chanting “follow the prophet” some threescore times to some really awful music makes me angry. Many of the primary songs strike me that way.

Eric Z

Fantastic additions. You’ll be thrilled to learn about the new verse for President Monson in “Follow the Prophet.” http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xqCl8-Lfo00&feature=related

Anonymous

Thrilled. Yeah, that’s it. Excuse me while I go get a q-tip and try to get that out of my ears.

http://www.facebook.com/fred.w.anson Fred W. Anson

Tell me about it! I played it for my wife and now it’s stuck in our heads.

Oh the humanity! Make it stop! Make it stop!

http://www.facebook.com/fred.w.anson Fred W. Anson

So many punchlines . . . must show restraint!!!!

Alan

Your point is well taken, but…

Listen to the end of the documentary “New York Doll,” which, in spite of its mormo sub-plot, features a version of APWMoG by Dolls’ vocalist David Johansen that is truly moving. Especially fascinating that a never-mo can tear a song up like that while the faithful butcher it.

Kris Fielding

Agree 100%! The song as done in church is usually too many long verses, but it was amazing at the end of that documentary. I always liked the song, but it can be tedious like most hymns I guess.

http://www.facebook.com/fred.w.anson Fred W. Anson

Another great article Eric – you’re on a roll!

FYI, Joseph Smith III suggested the following lyrical changes to “Praise to the Man” to put the focus on the Lord rather than his father since, in his opinion, the W.W. Phelp’s original lyrics bordered on man worshipping idolatry:

Praise to the Lord for the great restoration

Brought by the angel to Joseph the Seer

Pleading with God in behalf of his brethren

The church to establish, the gospel declare

(source John Hamer, David Howlett, Barbara Walden, “Community of Christ An Illustrated History”; Herald Publishing House; 2010)

And speaking as a musician (I play upright bass and bass guitar), I must tell you that the only thing worse that singing insipid church music is playing it! Oy!!!

Of course, since The Church Handbook of Instructions tells us . . .

“Organs and pianos are the standard instruments used in Church meetings. If other instruments are used, their use should be in keeping with the spirit of the meeting. Instruments with a prominent or less worshipful sound, such as most brass and percussion, are not appropriate for sacrament meeting.”[1]

. . . I need never worship about having to be called on to play in a Mormon Church meeting.

However, since it also tells us . . .

“The hymns of the Church are the basic music for Latter-day Saint meetings and are standard for all congregational singing. Hymns are also encouraged for prelude and postlude music, choir music, and special selections.

If other musical selections are used, they should be in keeping with the spirit of the hymns of the Church. Texts should be doctrinally correct.
(See “Hymns for Congregations,” Hymns, pages 380–81.)

Music in Church meetings should help members worship, feel the sacred spirit of the Sabbath, and feel the spirit of revelation. This music should not draw attention to itself or be for demonstration. Some religiously oriented music in a popular style is not appropriate for sacrament meetings.”[1]

. . . the Brethren need never worry about me joining their boring, backward, culturally irrelevant, insular, and out-of-touch church!

So I guess, in the end, all is as it should be!

[1] source http://lds.org/cm/display/0,17631,4987-1,00.html#3 ; retrieved date of post
Tierza

I know I may be in the minority here, but I am an unrepentant lover of traditional, 4-part, congregational hymn singing.

I think the church’s rules about instruments are stupid. I have certainly sat through many a horribly slow, tuneless dirge in many a sacrament meeting. I have been a missionary praying under my breath that investigators not pay attention to the lyrics of this or that hymn. And I despise the current MoTab. DESPISE! But, with all that, I think one of the hardest things for me to give up in giving up church is the time spent singing in harmony with my fellow ‘saints’. I actually collect hymnbooks (from different faiths) and I believe that some of our uniquely Mormon hymns are among the best out there — Though Deepening Trials; Come Thou Glorious Day of Promise; Come, Come Ye Saints (which, by the way, I found in the hymnbook of my friend’s Baptist congregation, much to my delight) — I realize that this kind of music doesn’t stir everyone’s soul, but at its best — simple, in harmony, congregational — hymn singing is a great folk musical genre and I, for one, am glad that the LDS church hasn’t abandoned it (as many, many other churches have).

http://www.facebook.com/fred.w.anson Fred W. Anson

No, you’re not in the minority I agree with you to some degree.

Speaking as a musician I want the piece to be performed in the best way possible – meaning the way that best serves the audience.

If that means that the piece communicates best with just piano, or organ, or piano and organ then so be it. For example, “A Mighty Fortress” by Martin Luther can’t be beat when done with only voice and organ.
(by the way did you know that the tune was originally a pub song? After all, Luther was German – and a darn fine musician according to the historical record)

And, to me, “Amazing Grace” is best and purest done only acapella.
(However I do like some of newer contemporary arrangements that have been done for rock era instruments)

However, if a song is best done with guitars, brass, strings, or whatever, if should be done that way.

So, yes, the LdS Church’s instrument policy was clearly written by non-musicians who don’t know a thing about music let alone the various cultures that surround Mormon Chapels the world over.

And another musician once told me something that’s really stuck: Music is like language. And what communicates to one groups may not communicate to another – which is WHY musicians have to be flexible, which is WHY I play BOTH upright bass AND bass guitar.

Can you dig it?

Finally, in terms of music policy there IS a third way: Blended Worship.

My Church does both hymns and contemporary music and that works for us.

Other Churches have both a traditional service with just hymns and then a contemporary service with just modern music and that works for them.

However, to mandate that worship remain statically fixed in the 19th Century and never budge?
Does that REALLY serve the congregation or bespeak reflecting an infinite, creative God of wonder? The God of whom one worshiper described as:

“….God my maker, who giveth songs in the night.” – Job 35:10 (KJV)

To me, the answer is no.

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Anonymous

My vote would be “If You Could Hie to Kolob”

http://www.facebook.com/fred.w.anson Fred W. Anson

What?

Without that hymn we don’t the get accompanying jokes, jabs, and satire – and some of those are really funny!

http://www.mormongags.com/content/if-you-could-hie-kolob

http://www.nauvoo.com/ubb/cgi/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=3;t=000090

Sorry, but I love that hymn for the jokes alone – not with you on that one mate.

However, I will concede the music (which ” is an arrangement of a folk song by Ralph Vaughan Williams, a famous 20th-century English composer) is magnificent.

IMO this rock cover of the song “kicks” – just close your eyes so you’re taste isn’t violated by some of the childish dogma spewing graphics and you’ll dig it:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Msde4DqBsXs

Anonymous

My vote for worst hymn would have to be for ”If You Could Hie to Kolob”
True Order of Hair

I always think of “Follow the Prophet” when I hear apologists say that just because the prophets are often wrong doesn’t mean they’re not speaking for God.

Follow the Prophet. He knows the way. Unless he doesn’t.

When I hear “Families Can Be Together Forever,” I keep waiting for the singers to go for the sales close.

Families can be together forever, but only if you take advantage of this fabulous offer! Give us most of your time and disposable income! Call now! Missionaries are standing by!

Actually, most people who have some faith in God already believe that they will be with beloved family members in heaven. The first time that I heard the Church breathlessly announce that families can be together forever, I thought ”Well, of course. Duh.”

Top 4 Worst Hymns

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