The Natural

There are a few things in my fairly recent apostasy that I still find a little uncomfortable.  Drinking.  Shopping on “the Sabbath”. Swearing.  After 37 years as a Mormon, who could blame me for having to push through a little internal resistance against being “bad”?  After all, being an apostate isn’t my natural state.

Except –

There is one thing I do not have a difficult time doing at all: I simply Do Not Believe.

Sometimes I just stop and marvel at how incredibly easy it is to not believe.  I don’t have to work at it at all.  I don’t spend nights worrying about how to believe less.  I don’t pray desperate prayers begging some unseen force to make me believe less.  I don’t hope that things aren’t true.  They just aren’t.

Not that it was easy to get to the point of unbelief.  In fact, I fought like the devil to stay a saint.  But now that I am here — I am amazed, and almost perplexed, at how easy it is to stay here.

I always knew that Mormonism was a lot of work.  In graduate school, I would occasionally commiserate with a fellow LDS student about the amount of time our membership in the church took up.  Between callings and activities and scripture study and church and Institute and everything else it was like having a full-time job.  My Master’s committee chair once asked me if I couldn’t just “tell them you need to take some time off from church” while I finished my thesis.  HA!  I couldn’t fathom how students (male students) who were also married and had children and, often, a real full-time job, on top of school and the church did it. But I never appreciated how much of the energy I spent on the church was mental.

Beyond any need to attend meetings or fulfill callings, there was this never-ending pressure to believe.

For me it was a constant battle.  On one side the world and everything in it and on the other this never-ending drumbeat, “it’s true, it’s true, it’s true, it has to be true . . . !”  As my experiences as a scholar, a thinker and a person constantly tried t show me that it was not true, the Mormon in me fought to figure out ways to show myself that it was.  That was why I had to constantly pray and read my scriptures.  And when reading my scriptures made the intelligence in me scream out in frustration the believer had to soothe and placate her with my sense of duty to my family and my need to be ‘right’.

No wonder the scriptures say that “the natural man is an enemy to god”.  To not believe is such a comfortable, natural place to be.  If things don’t make sense, I have the freedom to ignore them.  If they do make sense, they are mine to enjoy.