Nov 30, 2011
The First Book of Ed
This is the accurate account of me, Ed, and my family. I am the previously unmentioned youngest son to my parents Lehi and Sariah, and have four older brothers, being called,(beginning at the eldest) Laman, Lemuel, Sam, and Nephi (goody two shoes). As you will notice, my account is much more precise than my windbag brother.
Dad said the Lord warned him to depart out of our home, the land of Jerusalem, because he proclaimed unto the people one too many times they better stop their wicked ways. Several groups threatened to kill father just to shut him up. Father made us pack up and take a three days’ journey into the wilderness.
Right after we set up camp, he then empowered holier than thou Nephi to turn around (and take my brothers and I with him) to return to Jerusalem and steal the record of the Jews written on heavy brass plates (I was glad I was the smallest because I wasn’t going to carry them).
The trip back into town turned out to be a disaster and my idiot brother Nephi ended up killing Laban. He said god told him to do it, but he didn’t even mention Laban until I asked about the blood on his shirt. Laban was drunk and could barely walk. Nephi’s attack was brutal and the act of a coward. Don’t get me wrong, Laban was a bit of a bastard, but still… Nephi always admired Laban’s ornate sword and has coveted it ever since taking it from him.
The best part about going back to town was that we met up with my father’s friend Ishmael and convinced him and his family to come with us. As luck would have it Ishmael had all daughters which matched up nicely with a family of all boys. Quickly we paired up and married. I got lucky to win the only attractive one. My wife Em was far more beautiful and intelligent than any of her sisters.
Once we met back up with father we headed further into the wilderness. We finally ended up at what Nephi called large waters (I don’t know why he just didn’t call it the sea). Laman and Lemuel got sick of Mr. Nephi bossy pants and “rebelled” against him (they basically just knocked him around a bit). When he says he confoundeth them (by the way who talks like that) what really happened is he slipped a mild poison in their tea. I saw him do it. It wasn’t god.
Nephi decided that we needed to build a ship and father agreed. Of course none of knew how to build a ship. Big brother skipped the part where he stole a ship from the family up the beach. I was an idiot for boarding the ship to nowhere, but did. I ate a lot of fish during that time. I thought we’d all die at sea. Lucky for us we hit land.